Front And Center

Sometimes I forget that I have this amazing space to express myself and interact with others...it honestly makes me feel like there is a weight lifted off of my shoulders after I write something on here, its like, "okay...that happened, I feel what I do, now let's make some moves towards a better life." That's the beauty of expressing myself so freely -- on the internet of all places. Anyway, I feel as if I had to say this to remind myself...and all of you, that it is okay to be open -- it IS okay to feel.

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The other night I went to a popular open mic here on campus, R.E.T.R.O....(side note: if you go to UW or live in the area, check it out...I guarantee you will be pleased!) Personally, I genuinely love watching people in a position of vulnerability -- a state of uncertainty. It is in this state where I feel we achieve our greatest desires, where we can overcome our greatest fears. So it excites me to see people, regulars to newcomers, step up on that stage and perform at the expense of about 200 of their peers every month. At this point I bet you are wondering why this is so important/what this has to do with anything...well let me pose some questions for you: Could you step up on a stage and perform in front of a large crowd? Would the possible judgement stop you from stepping up? Are you able to speak your mind, even when all of the focus is on you? What I am really getting at is...are you ambitious? Do you have a desire so strong that it cannot be tamed by the societal constructs placed in your way? Stereotypes, peer pressure, fear of rejection, all of these things stifle our potential as members of society, as human beings. Our life is stage...man, woman, he, she, they, them, we, us. This life is our stage and we are just performing. Our art is projected through our every movement and action -- we are beings of beauty. Together we play in an ethereal symphony. We must listen to our surroundings in order to stay in tune, in pitch, in time. All the attention is on us, we are the stars of our own production! My biggest stage is here writing to all of you. I step up on this stage time after time, trying to project something of beauty by giving my thoughts on life and what it can bring. I have found my role, and now it is time to listen to my surroundings. Finding your role is the most difficult part of this performance of life. You never want to be a supporting act in someone else's production! There is no need to sit in the background and watch others perform. Find your strengths, and exploit them. There is no time to be a bystander! Find your role, find your stage, and give the best damn performance that you can! You owe that to yourself, and to the rest of this world. Don't be afraid to step out -- center stage is where you belong. Nobody else can be the star of your life, that divine role is reserved just for you. Stop letting doubt hold you back from performing at your best, for this symphony can only be a thing of beauty if we all listen to ourselves, our surroundings, and harmonize.

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Thanks for reading! I really appreciate everyone who reads these, even though I take forever to post! haha Regardless, I want to start this thing where I tell you guys what I am listening to right now! This music may have something to do with posts, it may not, but regardless it will always be good music...or at least to me! So right now, I have been listening to a lot of Sam Smith...because he is everything. His voice is beautiful. SO here is one of my favorites by him.

Let's Take A Long Walk

I really want to take this time to really share my deepest feelings with all of you right now. Is that okay? Yes? Ooooooh okay let's get started then! haha

For the past five years of my life I have been held back by many things in my personal life. Whether it be my insecurities, my lack of confidence, or my residual feelings for past partners...they all have stopped me from taking advantage of beautiful experiences in my life. I was like a "bag man", dragging all of that baggage down the street, just trying to make it to the next bus stop...missing bus after bus just trying to get to my next destination. I let my relaxation in a shitty cycle screw up my situation, and halt my education on myself and what I deserve in my revelation of life. Better yet, I would call this a renaissance. A renaissance of my mind, body, and soul. Year after year, I waited for that moment with that one person, and I realize now that one situation's ending maybe be the catalyst I needed to see what is really in front of me. So here I am, wanting to take a long walk around the park. I am ready to put another before my self. Ready to dive deep into their oceans and be fully immersed in their every emotion. I want to take a stroll through someone else's mind for a change. I mean, who knows who it will be, when it will happen, how it will go...but honestly, none of that really matters to me. The fact that I am in a better place than where I once was -- praise the Lord! I love myself, AND I know what I want. I know I can have it. I know I deserve it, but I am not reliant on IT! I want that connection, but I don't need this connection to connect my pieces. I am my own finished puzzle beautifully crafted and solved by me...but we can start another if you are up for the challenge -- just you and I. Taking on the world when it says "no." Igniting each others fires, allowing them to burst into a effervescent inferno. Captivating, exciting, unpredictable...capable of the impossible. That is what our love will be like. Flexible, malleable, but never broken. With you I will be living life like it is golden: a life fit for the highest of the high. A life destined for you and I. With you I will feel like I am in tune with myself, simply by hearing everything that is you. Let me hear your symphony.

Gumption

When I think about all of the amazing things and people that have come into my life one things seems to always run constant: it all has been driven by gumption. Gumption is the act of taking initiative; having courage, spunk, guts. Gumption is what brings all happiness into my life. Looking back on my life I realize that without this, I would not be at the University of Washington, I wouldn't have the friends that I have...ultimately, I wouldn't be the person I am today. This is something worth expanding on...how is it that this one word sums up everything that I am and ever will be?

With that in mind...here is a quick video expanding on these thoughts! I hope you enjoy it, and I am sorry for the quality!

Worth It

Today I want to vent to you guys, I sure hope you are all okay with that...if not, you already clicked the link so just go ahead and read it anyway. Haha

This morning I am a little bothered with a specific construct in this crazy thing called life -- money. Growing up, it was something I never really paid attention to, it was just something my parents took out of some thing called a bank and then we did fun stuff. So I guess way back then I created this unconscious idea that money would bring happiness, that it would bring my greatest joys...Today, money is something I absolutely dread talking about, something I actually hate to use. Now I know that seems weird and not "economically correct", but my hatred for money goes a lot deeper than just a frugal idea. Money is the one thing that has continuously tried to keep me from my future. How is it that a piece of paper can determine where you will go, and just how successful you will be? I envy those who do not have to worry, I respect that luxury so much. Mind you I am not throwing a pity party, I am just making an observation. Apparently, the only way I can better myself and my education is to pay thousands of dollars....BUT FOR WHAT?! Why am I being penalized for wanting to be successful? Why do I have to struggle every third damn week of the new quarter? How is it that I am seen as a monetary gain rather than a person who just wants to learn? Ultimately, I am just bothered. I do well in school, I work so hard, but then that tuition and housing bill comes in and then it feels like I am right back at square one. This constant back and forth is what brings me my lowest days and my highest. It is beyond confusing as you can imagine -- I know a lot of you can. I just wish college was something that was attainable for everyone. When I look at my graduating class, the main reason why anyone ever said they weren't going to college was because of the money -- that is powerful. A green piece of paper has that much power in our lives...enough power to make us turn away from what we really want. And what really gets to me, is that there is NOTHING we can do to change this power that money has gained. 

What do I know for sure?

I know that no matter how many no's I am given, whether it be from FAFSA, my peers, haters, friends, even family, I can not and will not stop fighting for my future. I have been through too much, I have seen too many let go of their dreams...I refuse to be another tick on the unemployment graph. I refuse to let a piece of damn paper tell me what I can do with myself. I know my talents, my strengths, my purpose in this life, and no matter how many times life brings me down I will always get back up ready for another fight. Bring on the next quarter, hell I have struggled every single one...and I am still here! Bring on another person telling me I won't make it, give me more motivation to keep this blog going! Bring on whatever you want to try and diminish my pride in myself and my future...I will consistently counter with everything I have. What do I know for sure? I know that the struggle I am fighting right now with money and school is only temporary. I don't care what it takes, UW is where I will be graduating from, and my words will be heard all around the world. This struggle is nothing but a blip in this story I am writing for myself.

It'll all be worth it in the end.