NBN14: Fall

Every time I write about my feelings for someone in my life I make sure that there is a sense of ambiguity and mystery that keeps me from being completely vulnerable...

I have to let go. But I am not exactly sure what I need to let go of...

Do I let go of myself and continue to fall? Do I act rational and let go of these feelings? Do I act like they never existed? I don't really know. All I know is I can't shake you. I get angry and then I look at you and see the beauty within. Hurt me? That's okay, I can pick up the pieces. I did this -- to myself. But for some reason I don't mind. I don't mind falling. Gravity doesn't dictate my reality. I am falling through clouds of emotions I have never felt before. Each one unique to you. Unique to every minute spent, every second, every hour. I am in a constant state of flight; the ground is an infinity and beyond away. I've tried to run. And right off a cliff I go falling back into you. You're at my every turn. Like a broken record you repeat in my existence -- day in, day out. To say that this hurts would be an understatement. Throwing my soul out into the void and hoping that one day it proves to be worth it sucks. I have inflated this ballon with my own oxygen, my own energy, my heart and I haven't been given the chance to inhale. I am constantly exhaling all of myself into you and you still haven't given me the chance to breathe in. You literally take my breath away. And its not in the cheesy romantic comedy sort of way. This is deeper than that. I don't just look at you and see a destination or a goal. I see life, happiness, potential. The amount of potential that is resting is astounding. Together we would be indestructible. Adamantium. No other force in this world could destroy us. Only we have the power to turn this into a disaster. I just wish this didn't have to be fiction any longer. Give me a reality. Give yourself to me and I promise you won't regret it. Fall with me. 

Somehow wanting this makes me feel selfish. So I sit here and wait...just for you. I can try and run. I can try and act like I am not falling. Like everything is okay -- just for you. But we both know something has to hit the fan. Disaster is not my concern. "What if" is not my concern. My concern is you. And me. At some point I allowed myself to become secondary and I can't allow that to continue. I am falling; with a parachute. Give me a reason to take it off. Give me a reason to fall free again.

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I listened to this track while I wrote this. It is a beautiful song and definitely worth a listen. Nicole Scherzinger killed every lyric and note. Plus, the video is amazing. 

I recommend you reread the post while listening to this in order to feel everything I think you should. 

Enjoy.

NBN14: Good Enough

"Because of the number of more competitive applicants, your application has been denied."

For my first official post of No Boundaries November I want to discuss fate. From my first quarter of college to now I have changed a lot. I have discovered myself, who I am, and what I want. Walking into this school freshman year, I had little to no idea what I was really going to do, I just thought Pre Med would get me there...at least monetarily. Obviously, I quickly realized that wasn't the right path for me, so I had to take a step back and find myself, what I wanted, and where I was going. Here I am two years later and I still can't tell you exactly what I will do when I graduate. The fear of the unknown is something we all deal with as humans. Who will I become? What will my career be? Who will I marry? Will I be successful? We literally allow these questions to consume us and create an eclipse over our lives. 

Yes, clarity is nice, but if you knew what your every move would be your life would be stifled. I have wasted so much time, energy, and tears trying to meticulously plan out my life in order to convince myself that I would make enough money in my lifetime. Scratch that, I have pushed myself so hard because I have been afraid of being judged. I allowed the idea of not making ridiculous sums of money to cloud my judgement. I realized this the other day when I was pushed to my limit. For the record, I hate accounting, it will be the death of me...it sure has been the death of my self esteem academically this week. I digress, I did terrible on a quiz that I studied my ass off for and it really tore me up. I couldn't even sit in my lecture with my wandering thoughts of failure and disappointment. I could feel my soul ferociously shaking trying to wake me from my nightmare but I had already allowed my personal darkness to consume me. Soon enough the vibrations brought on a tsunami and I couldn't take it. I ran home and cried for an hour. I kept asking myself, "How are you whining this much about a quiz?!"

After I collected myself, I knew I had to reset my flow of energy for the day...naturally, I decided to meditate. During this time of reflection and relaxation I tried to refocus my thoughts and pinpoint my inner desires. I had to force myself to see that I would never beat myself up about a quiz on a regular day, that is just stupid. I was beating myself up because I was afraid of not getting into a major that I knew would open up numerous job opportunities for me. I was afraid of disappointing the imaginary public that we all think is watching us. I was afraid that not getting into the business school would seal a fate of mediocrity. Essentially, I was afraid of ________.

I was afraid of a bunch of bullshit.

No school can decide my fate for me. I decide my fate, I manifest my dreams, I achieve my goals. No school can do those things for me. I had allowed the idea of being in such an amazing major cloud my judgement and my ultimate control over my life. Realizing this as I type this post has allowed me to have an epiphany: I am okay. Getting rejected from a major that I worked my ass off for sucks, but listen, life goes on. There is no time to waste crying about it! My dreams are waiting!

It is time for me to chase my dreams and push all of the bullshit out of the way.

What do I know for sure?

• I am majoring in Psychology (thank God I had two schools in mind)
• I want to touch people's lives
• I have a voice of inspiration
• I have a divine right to protect my dreams and future
• I have never been more motivated to achieve my goals in my entire life

With that, I leave you all with this: When adversity causes you to stumble and fall, don't think about the scar, you will heal. Get back up and keep running for your dreams.

Dear Deme,

It is the second of November in the year two-thousand fourteen.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Stop trying to achieve perfection. Save yourself.

We started our first paid job this past week...cool right? I mean its only been two long-ish shifts so far, but I think we like it. This coming Friday we are receiving a letter that will determine exactly where you are right now. Whether we get into the Foster School of Business or not, I have high hopes for us. We are going to do big things kid.

Hey kid..

Pick your head up. Stop looking down. You might not have anyone in your corner right now, life may seem like a continuous tunnel of darkness, but beauty is coming your way. You don't need to sit in your room releasing your emotions alone; coating your face with a thin layer of salt. You can stop feeling sorry for yourself -- things will get better. The bruises on your heart, your soul, your body...those will soon begin to fade. Those days where you laid in the grass beaten and destroyed will soon become stories -- just memories. They won't plague you much longer. Just keep your chin up. Look in that mirror and see. You have stopped seeing kid; you've stopped seeing yourself. Go watch the Santa Clause. Remember that quote right? I know you do. "Seeing isn't believing -- believing is seeing." Believe in yourself.

Listen.

We will become something. It doesn't matter what people have said about us. Faggot, Nigger, Fat Ass, Mistake -- they all sound the same to me. Fear. People fear us. They are afraid of our potential. The resting energy that lies within us scares the shit out of them. We have the ability to change this world and they are afraid. They are afraid of the moment when we let it all free...that moment when we can finally see. We can never stop believing in our self.

Be Ambitious. Dream. Believe. Achieve. Give. Receive.

Be Ambitious: when the world seems like a hopeless vacancy.

Dream: when you need to escape your demons and discover your purpose.

Achieve: every ambitious daydream that resides within.

Give: your entire self to the world.

Receive: all of the beauty that you know you deserve.


You can never stop,

Deme

All Hands On Deck

Taking a break from blogging has honestly been a task, but in order to constantly produce quality content and ensure this continues to be a space for enlightenment and motivation I had to pause and reevaluate my life. All of this will be explained later in the month when I officially return to blogging, but for now...can I speak candidly? Sweet.

I have an issue; a pretty big one at that. Sitting here looking back on my life, I realize that this issue is self induced -- completely at my own discretion. Time and time again I allow the presence of others to catalyze the shit storm that is insecurity in my life. Past relationships, friendships, unrequited love, all of these things have allowed insecurity to spawn in the most unpleasant of places in my head. 

My skin is too dark. My hair isn't straight enough. I am too fat. My thighs hug each other. I am the perfect friend, but too imperfect to be called "boyfriend." I am too messed up. Who could love this hot mess?

These are the thoughts that run rapid in my head every time I am considered second best -- every time I am left in the dark left to sit in my emotions while I watch others find their own. I am so tired. I am tired of not being good enough, tired of not being someone's one and only, tired of being me.

These are the thoughts that circulated in my head in the past few months. Can I really achieve all of my goals? Will mediocrity consume me and cause me to be just another face in the crowd?

I have some answers.

My skin is the most rich hue of cocoa. God washed my body and soul in a waterfall dripping with desire. Too bad you can't taste this. So what if my stomach isn't perfectly sculpted. So what if my chest is larger than most. So fucking what if my thighs touch. Winters would never be cold with me. My body is my concern, if it concerns you, then you don't concern me. If you truly want me to be yours then never allow me question what feelings are within your core.

I can no longer be afraid of myself. Success is intertwined all throughout my psyche...there is no escaping it. I can't hide from myself so that I don't stand out too much. My every thought is important. My every emotion has worth. I will achieve my every desire and it won't be because someone loved me. It won't be because someone finally saw the beauty that is within me. It will be because I chose to love myself.

This is the journey I am embarking on. I am not perfect. I struggle with insecurity; it haunts me every day. We have to reach a point in our lives where we realize that no relationship is going to bring us worth. We must search within ourselves and discover every perfectly imperfect trait, and embrace it. Love is great to have in life, but the love for yourself is the most important love you must search for. I plan to fall in love with myself.