Listen

This morning I woke up knowing that today is going to be one of the biggest days of my life. A day that has needed to come for a long time -- I have just been too afraid to accept myself and make you listen. I love you. It may not be said all of the time, it may not be shown through my actions, but you need to know that I wouldn't be here without you. We have had our differences, we have had our blow ups...but you are who I have always wanted to support me -- support my dreams. I have spent a long time trying to pick up the pieces that have been broken for so long, and now I feel like I have figured out this large puzzle that is my life. It's been a seven year journey. I have been torn down, brought up, and broken, but here I am still fighting for what I believe in, trying to figure out how it is that I am supposed to change the world. I realize that I thought I could do it in other ways -- I thought it was conducive to my personality. But you must realize that when that dream was created, I was still trying to figure out what my personality really was. I had an idea -- help people, but maybe that wasn't in the way I knew would make me happy -- make my life worth while. I know that you have supported this dream with your all, but I am asking you to support this new dream with just as much excitement, just as much fire. I want you in my corner, cheering me on, telling me everything is going to be okay. That's what your supposed to do. I know that you want me to be successful, as do I, but you have to see me. See the person in front of you. I am not that person I thought I was. I am someone greater, someone who will be heard all around the world. Just trust me. I know what I am doing. I have prayed and prayed. I have dropped to my knees pleading God to show me some kind sign -- help me see what I am supposed to do with my talents...and he answered back. Trust in Him. Trust in me. Trust in my dreams. I will change this world in ways I can't even imagine, but I know it won't be as rewarding if I don't have your support. I can see the finish line. I can see where I am going to be. Turn your tunnel vision to mine, and you will see a life so much greater for me. This is my life. My dreams. Let me make decisions for myself, and just tell me it's going to be okay. I know you don't see the success that I do right now, but trust me, something big is coming. You just have to listen. I really hope you listen to this voice inside me. It's been hidden for so long, a long time coming -- but I have never felt more drive to do anything else in my life before. I have saved myself, brought myself to see the real me, and now I have been shown what this life has to offer me. Just listen to this excitement inside, and I guarantee you will hear me. Hear this voice. Hear my dreams. Just listen.

Sappy September: ALEC

ALEC

Man oh man...Alec Baldwin! You mean so much to me, how do I put this all into a post?! To start things off, I will say that this kid right here is literally my "go-to" person for all of my juicy tales of life. We can literally talk for hours about the most ugly things and not feel any shame! I guess everyone just needs that one friend that they can be extremely ugly with and have NO care in the world. Alec is my go to person for ALL of my social life. We are literally in sync about everything and sometimes it just scares me! It's crazy when someone is already aware of how you're feeling, or what you're about to say...it's crazy cause that doesn't happen everyday. Alec is a diamond in the rough. He doesn't realize how amazing he is as a person, or just how much he influences my life, but he is definitely on the right path. Food for thought: Only surround yourself with people who have the same level of ambition as you, and can help you better yourself. Alec achieves just that. While we have our differences -- we are one in the same. He is literally a brother to me. The younger brother I never had! I always smile inside when we have deep conversations because I feel myself teaching him things and then him teaching me even more. It is quite literally a humbling experience and I wouldn't change it for the world. Alec has filled the hole in my life that was missing for SO long. He has become that guy that is just always there, ready to laugh with you about life and see the greater things. This is why I love him so much and I would never want him to leave my life, he is consistent and perf. 

What is my biggest lesson learned from Alec?

Alec has taught me to accept the more ratchet side of my self. That sounds like a bad thing, but everyone needs to feel comfortable with who they truly are -- Alec helped me do that. He has taught me that it doesn't matter what people think of you, as long as you are living your life the way you see fit, you're doing it right! Alec and I both have our dark pasts, but here we are, together, at the same school, trying to live the best life possible. I can't help but feel like our friendship has been written WAY before our time, and I am beyond excited for what we will do together to change the world. Alec...I love you, you're my young padawan, my great friend...pretty much family. Thank you for being yourself and allowing me to invade your life! Stay amazing, and "just throw it back!" 

Take Back The Night

So here I am, sitting in Mercer Court and I couldn't be happier! If you aren't aware, I attend one of the greatest universities ever, the University of Washington! Let me just being by saying thank you to the beautiful city of Seattle for making me fall in love with you, and helping me call this place home for a second year. Going to college has ALWAYS been a goal for me and I just know that I couldn't be any happier at any other place. The classes, the architecture, the people, my amazing friends...what more could you ask for? This is probably the best place to discover yourself and be creative. I just feel so blessed to be here and it got me thinking, EVERYONE should be able to experience this perfection. I look at my room, my campus, and I just see a place that I call home. I look at my beautiful group of friends I have acquired and I can't help but want to cry. This is a crazy amount of happiness that I have never experienced before. While I can't disclose the name of my close-knit group of friends for ratchet reasons, just know that I am surrounded by amazingness. I usually am not the one to brag, but let me just tell y'all, these people are PHENOMENAL. They understand me, and I can literally be myself around them. I never find myself holding back in protection from judgement, I just simply act how I want -- when I want. That is something that is hard to find... but I found with my PPP's! I love them so much, and I am just so happy that we are all here again, ready to make campus our stomping ground! Last year was nothing short of perfection. We made a little family, and had the time of our lives! We had fights, make ups, hiccups, and turn ups -- and I wouldn't change a thing! But let it be known, this year we are coming back with a BANG, socially AND academically. We will take back the night AND the classrooms. This year is going to be something to talk about and I am just feeling beyond blessed. I feel like so many things are starting to fall in place now that I am here and it just brings me back to myself. 

Everyone should be able to experience this euphoria. It just takes some recycling of your friends. Find people that have your best interests in mind, and see you for the person that you REALLY are. Be yourself, don't be afraid of rejection. Go out there, make this world your stomping ground, and take back your life. Take back control. Take back the REAL you and show the world what you're REALLY made of.

My inspiration for this post? JT OBVIOUSLY!

Life Is All About Choices...

WARNING:

This post is explicit and may not be suitable for all audiences.

For those of you that have continued to read this post, I would first like to ask you to play the song above to get a feel for my emotions right now.

This is my blog. Like I told you all before, this is a place to understand yourself. And I wouldn't be helping you, if I didn't cover ALL emotions...like those of rage. Rage is what I feel right now. This is an emotion I don't feel too often, but there are those rare occurrences where people push me over the edge. I can only take so much foolishness before I must take action. I must clean house. My brain and my bones don't want to take this blatant disrespect anymore. I have done nothing but love you. Nothing but put all of your feelings before mine. But let me just tell you, I am exhausted. I'm exhausted with feeling like your consistently lying to me. Simple things are withheld, shady actions have been revealed, and I am here to say its enough. I have been burned by your lies several times before and I see what they can do to me. But for some reason I let them go unnoticed.... For some reason I am always the target for people's insecurities. I don't understand. Am I just a good punching bag? Am I the perfect scapegoat? NO. I am none of those things. So I'm sorry if people were confused, but if you treat me in such a way, and you will be dismissed.

And let me just clarify. I am not a victim. The situation that I am in is partially MY fault. Life is about choices. We have the ability to make good ones...and really stupid ones. I made the choice to overlook every shady moment, every piece of evidence that said people didn't have my well being in mind. Unfortunately, my loving self didn't confront every doubt I had in my mind, and look at where this has gotten me. This is something we should think about. Why do we continuously let the wrong people in? Why do we allow people to run our lives? Why do we overlook the bad, when it obviously outweighs the good? It's because we are human. We are wired to love others. But our love should not cloud our judgement. When that happens, we are susceptible to experience the tragedy of betrayal and disappointment. I've learned my lesson. It doesn't matter how much you care about people, they are going to ALWAYS make their OWN choices. Does this mean we shouldn't trust people? NO. We should trust that people wouldn't hurt us, but as soon as you have some doubt, DO NOT doubt your intuition, confront your feelings and protect yourself. Because if you don't, you will end up scorned. Make your OWN decision to fight for your life.

So yes, I am enraged. I'm enraged at other people's actions, but I am also enraged with myself for allowing such indecencies to occur for THIS long. I should have protected myself when I had the chance. But now I no longer will have to worry about what's going on. I can move on. I can go back to school completely open to whatever comes my way and I am thankful. I just wished it happened on better terms.