All Hands On Deck

Taking a break from blogging has honestly been a task, but in order to constantly produce quality content and ensure this continues to be a space for enlightenment and motivation I had to pause and reevaluate my life. All of this will be explained later in the month when I officially return to blogging, but for now...can I speak candidly? Sweet.

I have an issue; a pretty big one at that. Sitting here looking back on my life, I realize that this issue is self induced -- completely at my own discretion. Time and time again I allow the presence of others to catalyze the shit storm that is insecurity in my life. Past relationships, friendships, unrequited love, all of these things have allowed insecurity to spawn in the most unpleasant of places in my head. 

My skin is too dark. My hair isn't straight enough. I am too fat. My thighs hug each other. I am the perfect friend, but too imperfect to be called "boyfriend." I am too messed up. Who could love this hot mess?

These are the thoughts that run rapid in my head every time I am considered second best -- every time I am left in the dark left to sit in my emotions while I watch others find their own. I am so tired. I am tired of not being good enough, tired of not being someone's one and only, tired of being me.

These are the thoughts that circulated in my head in the past few months. Can I really achieve all of my goals? Will mediocrity consume me and cause me to be just another face in the crowd?

I have some answers.

My skin is the most rich hue of cocoa. God washed my body and soul in a waterfall dripping with desire. Too bad you can't taste this. So what if my stomach isn't perfectly sculpted. So what if my chest is larger than most. So fucking what if my thighs touch. Winters would never be cold with me. My body is my concern, if it concerns you, then you don't concern me. If you truly want me to be yours then never allow me question what feelings are within your core.

I can no longer be afraid of myself. Success is intertwined all throughout my psyche...there is no escaping it. I can't hide from myself so that I don't stand out too much. My every thought is important. My every emotion has worth. I will achieve my every desire and it won't be because someone loved me. It won't be because someone finally saw the beauty that is within me. It will be because I chose to love myself.

This is the journey I am embarking on. I am not perfect. I struggle with insecurity; it haunts me every day. We have to reach a point in our lives where we realize that no relationship is going to bring us worth. We must search within ourselves and discover every perfectly imperfect trait, and embrace it. Love is great to have in life, but the love for yourself is the most important love you must search for. I plan to fall in love with myself.

Vibrations

Love speaks LOUD.

For some reason I can't stop thinking of you
Your infectious laugh
Your beautiful smile
It all engulfs me.

Billions of butterflies rustle at the sight of you
And just when my vision is cleared,
Your beautiful imperfection knocks me back into a hazy nirvana
This uncontrollable cycle excites me
Yet I sit here afraid.

How could I feel so much love?
I know that love cannot be explained
But you are my definition
Together we could author a glorious dictionary
Everyone would look to us for clarity

This love speaks loud
No matter if it is just me -- unrequited
I can't get this crazy, stupid, love out of my head -- rewind it
Everywhere I go it replays in my head like a broken record
But as long as your name sits on the track,
I could listen to it play over and over
And over...and over

I replay our every moment together in my head
Syndicated
There is no place I’d rather be

It is a shot in the dark

A shout into the void
I just hope that when this love is loud enough
You will pick up my vibrations and hear perfection
This love?
It demands to be heard

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I know this isn't my usual post, and I haven't posted anything in a long time...but know that I have been taking this break from blogging to get through some personal issues. I just wanted to publish something on here so I could stop feeling insane. I will be back on here regularly soon, and other formats as well. Bare with me.

I can't really say that one thing inspired this post, or one specific person for that matter.
Love is a language we all can understand, and I have been translating a lot lately.

Anyway, I played this song on absolute repeat while writing this for inspiration...so I think you guys should check it out!
Stay beautiful <3

The New Classic

Just the other day a good friend of mine came up to me and talked about how they feel they have changed since high school...and then that got me thinking...why does this happen?! Well here's a quick stream of consciousness!

Growing up we always hear people tell us to "be ourselves" -- to be unique. But at what cost? We live in a time where going against the grain gets you shunned by your peers and denied several simple liberties...so why should we go out of our way to be different, when being 'normal' works out just fine? We should be telling young people the truth: being different is the hardest damn thing you can do in this life, so be ready for a lot of backlash. We should be telling young people that sometimes you will feel alone, that sometimes it will seem like being different is the worst possible option. So I guess we are left with a dilemma...should we all just fall in line? Is normal the way to go?

Here is what I propose: go against the grain with all that you have! Ignite this spark in as many people as you can until you cause a shift in the norm -- catalyze the new classic. Yes, being different can be hard and sometimes it seems pointless...but you must realize that you can be the happiest and most successful individual in this world. Choosing this path can bring adversity into your life, but you will reap a lifetime of benefits. You could be a part of something BIG. You could say that you paved the way for young people to feel safe in their own skin. You could say you lived the life that YOU wanted to live.

The classic timeline of life is this: follow the crowd until you graduate high school and then MAYBE you get the courage to be yourself.

This has to change.

I am an advocate of The New Classic! We should be inspired to be ourselves from day one. From the first day we walk into a school we should feel the urge to speak our minds, to wear what we want, to live truthfully. We shouldn't have to tell young people that being different will be hard, that they will feel alone, or that being themselves can feel pointless. We should be telling young people to be pioneers of something bigger than themselves. We should be telling them to always be working towards the greater. Mediocre is never an option! Be ambitious, feel inspired to be yourself! We shouldn't have to have anti-bullying campaigns. We should have individuality campaigns! It is time to stop focusing on the negative side of this age old problem and start over with something new. We can eliminate this issue, by focusing our efforts toward the solution! The New Classic is what I propose...ignite an Ambitious Daydreamer in every young person and create a movement....

"Normal" is just a word. Individuality is a lifestyle of happiness.


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Okay so this week I have been obsessed with Betty Who! If you haven't heard of her...you should find out! Here is one of her songs! Hope you love it!

Front And Center

Sometimes I forget that I have this amazing space to express myself and interact with others...it honestly makes me feel like there is a weight lifted off of my shoulders after I write something on here, its like, "okay...that happened, I feel what I do, now let's make some moves towards a better life." That's the beauty of expressing myself so freely -- on the internet of all places. Anyway, I feel as if I had to say this to remind myself...and all of you, that it is okay to be open -- it IS okay to feel.

_____

The other night I went to a popular open mic here on campus, R.E.T.R.O....(side note: if you go to UW or live in the area, check it out...I guarantee you will be pleased!) Personally, I genuinely love watching people in a position of vulnerability -- a state of uncertainty. It is in this state where I feel we achieve our greatest desires, where we can overcome our greatest fears. So it excites me to see people, regulars to newcomers, step up on that stage and perform at the expense of about 200 of their peers every month. At this point I bet you are wondering why this is so important/what this has to do with anything...well let me pose some questions for you: Could you step up on a stage and perform in front of a large crowd? Would the possible judgement stop you from stepping up? Are you able to speak your mind, even when all of the focus is on you? What I am really getting at is...are you ambitious? Do you have a desire so strong that it cannot be tamed by the societal constructs placed in your way? Stereotypes, peer pressure, fear of rejection, all of these things stifle our potential as members of society, as human beings. Our life is stage...man, woman, he, she, they, them, we, us. This life is our stage and we are just performing. Our art is projected through our every movement and action -- we are beings of beauty. Together we play in an ethereal symphony. We must listen to our surroundings in order to stay in tune, in pitch, in time. All the attention is on us, we are the stars of our own production! My biggest stage is here writing to all of you. I step up on this stage time after time, trying to project something of beauty by giving my thoughts on life and what it can bring. I have found my role, and now it is time to listen to my surroundings. Finding your role is the most difficult part of this performance of life. You never want to be a supporting act in someone else's production! There is no need to sit in the background and watch others perform. Find your strengths, and exploit them. There is no time to be a bystander! Find your role, find your stage, and give the best damn performance that you can! You owe that to yourself, and to the rest of this world. Don't be afraid to step out -- center stage is where you belong. Nobody else can be the star of your life, that divine role is reserved just for you. Stop letting doubt hold you back from performing at your best, for this symphony can only be a thing of beauty if we all listen to ourselves, our surroundings, and harmonize.

_____


Thanks for reading! I really appreciate everyone who reads these, even though I take forever to post! haha Regardless, I want to start this thing where I tell you guys what I am listening to right now! This music may have something to do with posts, it may not, but regardless it will always be good music...or at least to me! So right now, I have been listening to a lot of Sam Smith...because he is everything. His voice is beautiful. SO here is one of my favorites by him.