NBN14: Labels Are For Boxes (Bianca Bejar)

As my 21^st birthday approaches (less than 2 weeks!!!), I’d like to take a minute to reflect on what a year 20 was. Aside from the usual things that come every year, there was something special about this year; I fell for someone. And while it was definitely unrequited and is almost just a memory now, it was quite an experience. They are an amazing person, with a great personality, someone that lives life so passionately, is so unapologetically themselves, constantly makes me laugh, and is just someone I was lucky enough to meet and someone I’m blessed enough to call a friend. This person is full of surprises but what was more surprising is the fact that I fell for them. I’ve always been fairly open-minded, I think, but never had this open-mindedness become my own reality.

Let me explain. I have always been accepting and supportive of gay people, it’s always been something normal for me. I’ve always been an ally. And as far as my sexuality is concerned, I’ve always been straight*. Straight hasn’t always been the best label though because while that is how I identified, it wasn’t necessarily representative of me. I was always attracted solely to men but being the open-minded person I was, I was never quite closed to the idea of being with a woman. It wasn’t that I was attracted to women or could even see myself with one, but rather if the right person came along and I fell for them, I wouldn’t be opposed. I wouldn’t deny myself from love just because they were not a male. I never told anyone in high school because I never thought it to be relevant and I didn’t begin exploring this idea more until I got to UW. And it was easy to continue as straight* because no one had ever actually brought it into play. No one had ever made it real, and thankfully so because at that point, straight would no longer apply to me, not even with an asterisk.

But then someone did. Someone came along and without intention, made me feel something I had not felt in a while and then, again without intention, they made me feel something I had never let myself feel for anyone. I’m not going to say who she is, but she knows. And while nothing came from it, a lot actually did. I don’t know if it is because she herself identifies as bi or just because of the kind of person she is, but she was very understanding. She was also very insightful and I thank her for being there and being supportive of me while going through that slightly confusing and transitional time. She could’ve easily stepped away while I figured out my feelings for her, but instead she put our friendship first and was there for me as I figured out my feelings in general. I had many conversations with her, as well as other friends, looking for answers and essentially came up with nothing, but that nothing was my answer.

What I was really searching for was a label, a way to identify. I still wasn’t sure exactly how I felt, but I knew I no longer could consider myself straight. I was still as attracted to men as I’ve always been. And while I was completely attracted to her, I still wasn’t attracted to other women. So that left me somewhere on the spectrum but I had no idea where. And then I realized, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter where I fell. It didn’t matter how I identified. It didn’t matter that there wasn’t a label I felt comfortable with. As humans we always want to categorize things, label things, simplify things. We want to make things easier to understand. And I get it, I do it too. But sometimes we have to accept the fact that not everything can be simplified and some things don’t need to be.

I personally wanted a label so I could understand myself more, but nothing felt right, and still nothing feels right. Just because I don’t label myself doesn’t mean I am confused or trying to figure things out. I honestly don’t even think about it now. I know exactly where I stand and I don’t need a label to justify it. I will love whoever I love and I will be happy about it. If at some point I come to feel comfortable with a label, great. If this is where I stay the rest of my life, awesome. My sexuality doesn’t define me. This is who I am and I’ve accepted it.

For those of you that don’t understand or don’t agree, it’s okay. But just because you don’t understand someone else’s sexuality doesn’t make it wrong. And to be quite honest, you don’t need to understand it; after all, it is theirs. You do need to understand, however, that some people don’t identify with some of the common labels and it isn’t on you to decide which suits them best. I know it’d be easy to look at my situation and say “well she doesn’t just like guys so she isn’t straight, and she doesn’t just like girls so she isn’t a lesbian, well then she has to be bi.” (I am very aware bisexuality is a continuum, it still isn’t a label I identify with.) It isn’t that simple, and even if it were, it’s not up to you.

I know there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way and I just want you to know, not having a label is perfectly fine. And if there is a label that fits you, that is just as great. It’s whatever works for you. This wasn’t meant to be about me or my story; it was just one example of many to explain that labels aren’t meant for everyone. This is for the people that are somewhere in between and are trying to find a label, for those that are questioning and/or confused, and for those that are currently unhappy about a label they are conforming to. Know that you are not alone and that it doesn’t make your sexuality any less valid. Not having a label is fine, besides labels are for boxes.

Thank you to Dem for allowing me to continue to be a part of this. If you haven’t already, check out all of his awesome posts or check out my post from last November here: http://amdaydream.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-boundaries-november-words-written-by.html. Thank you all for reading and please feel free to leave some feedback in the comments section below.

NBN14: Fall

Every time I write about my feelings for someone in my life I make sure that there is a sense of ambiguity and mystery that keeps me from being completely vulnerable...

I have to let go. But I am not exactly sure what I need to let go of...

Do I let go of myself and continue to fall? Do I act rational and let go of these feelings? Do I act like they never existed? I don't really know. All I know is I can't shake you. I get angry and then I look at you and see the beauty within. Hurt me? That's okay, I can pick up the pieces. I did this -- to myself. But for some reason I don't mind. I don't mind falling. Gravity doesn't dictate my reality. I am falling through clouds of emotions I have never felt before. Each one unique to you. Unique to every minute spent, every second, every hour. I am in a constant state of flight; the ground is an infinity and beyond away. I've tried to run. And right off a cliff I go falling back into you. You're at my every turn. Like a broken record you repeat in my existence -- day in, day out. To say that this hurts would be an understatement. Throwing my soul out into the void and hoping that one day it proves to be worth it sucks. I have inflated this ballon with my own oxygen, my own energy, my heart and I haven't been given the chance to inhale. I am constantly exhaling all of myself into you and you still haven't given me the chance to breathe in. You literally take my breath away. And its not in the cheesy romantic comedy sort of way. This is deeper than that. I don't just look at you and see a destination or a goal. I see life, happiness, potential. The amount of potential that is resting is astounding. Together we would be indestructible. Adamantium. No other force in this world could destroy us. Only we have the power to turn this into a disaster. I just wish this didn't have to be fiction any longer. Give me a reality. Give yourself to me and I promise you won't regret it. Fall with me. 

Somehow wanting this makes me feel selfish. So I sit here and wait...just for you. I can try and run. I can try and act like I am not falling. Like everything is okay -- just for you. But we both know something has to hit the fan. Disaster is not my concern. "What if" is not my concern. My concern is you. And me. At some point I allowed myself to become secondary and I can't allow that to continue. I am falling; with a parachute. Give me a reason to take it off. Give me a reason to fall free again.

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I listened to this track while I wrote this. It is a beautiful song and definitely worth a listen. Nicole Scherzinger killed every lyric and note. Plus, the video is amazing. 

I recommend you reread the post while listening to this in order to feel everything I think you should. 

Enjoy.

NBN14: Good Enough

"Because of the number of more competitive applicants, your application has been denied."

For my first official post of No Boundaries November I want to discuss fate. From my first quarter of college to now I have changed a lot. I have discovered myself, who I am, and what I want. Walking into this school freshman year, I had little to no idea what I was really going to do, I just thought Pre Med would get me there...at least monetarily. Obviously, I quickly realized that wasn't the right path for me, so I had to take a step back and find myself, what I wanted, and where I was going. Here I am two years later and I still can't tell you exactly what I will do when I graduate. The fear of the unknown is something we all deal with as humans. Who will I become? What will my career be? Who will I marry? Will I be successful? We literally allow these questions to consume us and create an eclipse over our lives. 

Yes, clarity is nice, but if you knew what your every move would be your life would be stifled. I have wasted so much time, energy, and tears trying to meticulously plan out my life in order to convince myself that I would make enough money in my lifetime. Scratch that, I have pushed myself so hard because I have been afraid of being judged. I allowed the idea of not making ridiculous sums of money to cloud my judgement. I realized this the other day when I was pushed to my limit. For the record, I hate accounting, it will be the death of me...it sure has been the death of my self esteem academically this week. I digress, I did terrible on a quiz that I studied my ass off for and it really tore me up. I couldn't even sit in my lecture with my wandering thoughts of failure and disappointment. I could feel my soul ferociously shaking trying to wake me from my nightmare but I had already allowed my personal darkness to consume me. Soon enough the vibrations brought on a tsunami and I couldn't take it. I ran home and cried for an hour. I kept asking myself, "How are you whining this much about a quiz?!"

After I collected myself, I knew I had to reset my flow of energy for the day...naturally, I decided to meditate. During this time of reflection and relaxation I tried to refocus my thoughts and pinpoint my inner desires. I had to force myself to see that I would never beat myself up about a quiz on a regular day, that is just stupid. I was beating myself up because I was afraid of not getting into a major that I knew would open up numerous job opportunities for me. I was afraid of disappointing the imaginary public that we all think is watching us. I was afraid that not getting into the business school would seal a fate of mediocrity. Essentially, I was afraid of ________.

I was afraid of a bunch of bullshit.

No school can decide my fate for me. I decide my fate, I manifest my dreams, I achieve my goals. No school can do those things for me. I had allowed the idea of being in such an amazing major cloud my judgement and my ultimate control over my life. Realizing this as I type this post has allowed me to have an epiphany: I am okay. Getting rejected from a major that I worked my ass off for sucks, but listen, life goes on. There is no time to waste crying about it! My dreams are waiting!

It is time for me to chase my dreams and push all of the bullshit out of the way.

What do I know for sure?

• I am majoring in Psychology (thank God I had two schools in mind)
• I want to touch people's lives
• I have a voice of inspiration
• I have a divine right to protect my dreams and future
• I have never been more motivated to achieve my goals in my entire life

With that, I leave you all with this: When adversity causes you to stumble and fall, don't think about the scar, you will heal. Get back up and keep running for your dreams.

Dear Deme,

It is the second of November in the year two-thousand fourteen.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Stop trying to achieve perfection. Save yourself.

We started our first paid job this past week...cool right? I mean its only been two long-ish shifts so far, but I think we like it. This coming Friday we are receiving a letter that will determine exactly where you are right now. Whether we get into the Foster School of Business or not, I have high hopes for us. We are going to do big things kid.

Hey kid..

Pick your head up. Stop looking down. You might not have anyone in your corner right now, life may seem like a continuous tunnel of darkness, but beauty is coming your way. You don't need to sit in your room releasing your emotions alone; coating your face with a thin layer of salt. You can stop feeling sorry for yourself -- things will get better. The bruises on your heart, your soul, your body...those will soon begin to fade. Those days where you laid in the grass beaten and destroyed will soon become stories -- just memories. They won't plague you much longer. Just keep your chin up. Look in that mirror and see. You have stopped seeing kid; you've stopped seeing yourself. Go watch the Santa Clause. Remember that quote right? I know you do. "Seeing isn't believing -- believing is seeing." Believe in yourself.

Listen.

We will become something. It doesn't matter what people have said about us. Faggot, Nigger, Fat Ass, Mistake -- they all sound the same to me. Fear. People fear us. They are afraid of our potential. The resting energy that lies within us scares the shit out of them. We have the ability to change this world and they are afraid. They are afraid of the moment when we let it all free...that moment when we can finally see. We can never stop believing in our self.

Be Ambitious. Dream. Believe. Achieve. Give. Receive.

Be Ambitious: when the world seems like a hopeless vacancy.

Dream: when you need to escape your demons and discover your purpose.

Achieve: every ambitious daydream that resides within.

Give: your entire self to the world.

Receive: all of the beauty that you know you deserve.


You can never stop,

Deme