As
my 21st birthday approaches (less than 2 weeks!!!), I’d like to take
a minute to reflect on what a year 20 was. Aside from the usual things that
come every year, there was something special about this year; I fell for
someone. And while it was definitely unrequited and is almost just a memory
now, it was quite an experience. They are an amazing person, with a great
personality, someone that lives life so passionately, is so unapologetically themselves,
constantly makes me laugh, and is just someone I was lucky enough to meet and someone
I’m blessed enough to call a friend. This person is full of surprises but what
was more surprising is the fact that I fell for them. I’ve always been fairly
open-minded, I think, but never had this open-mindedness become my own reality.
Let
me explain. I have always been accepting and supportive of gay people, it’s
always been something normal for me. I’ve always been an ally. And as far as my
sexuality is concerned, I’ve always been straight*. Straight hasn’t always been
the best label though because while that is how I identified, it wasn’t necessarily
representative of me. I was always attracted solely to men but being the
open-minded person I was, I was never quite closed to the idea of being with a
woman. It wasn’t that I was attracted to women or could even see myself with
one, but rather if the right person came along and I fell for them, I wouldn’t
be opposed. I wouldn’t deny myself from love just because they were not a male.
I never told anyone in high school because I never thought it to be relevant
and I didn’t begin exploring this idea more until I got to UW. And it was easy
to continue as straight* because no one had ever actually brought it into play.
No one had ever made it real, and thankfully so because at that point, straight
would no longer apply to me, not even with an asterisk.
But
then someone did. Someone came along and without intention, made me feel
something I had not felt in a while and then, again without intention, they made
me feel something I had never let myself feel for anyone. I’m not going to say
who she is, but she knows. And while nothing came from it, a lot actually did. I
don’t know if it is because she herself identifies as bi or just because of the
kind of person she is, but she was very understanding. She was also very
insightful and I thank her for being there and being supportive of me while
going through that slightly confusing and transitional time. She could’ve
easily stepped away while I figured out my feelings for her, but instead she
put our friendship first and was there for me as I figured out my feelings in
general. I had many conversations with her, as well as other friends, looking
for answers and essentially came up with nothing, but that nothing was my
answer.
What
I was really searching for was a label, a way to identify. I still wasn’t sure
exactly how I felt, but I knew I no longer could consider myself straight. I
was still as attracted to men as I’ve always been. And while I was completely
attracted to her, I still wasn’t attracted to other women. So that left me
somewhere on the spectrum but I had no idea where. And then I realized, it
didn’t matter. It didn’t matter where I fell. It didn’t matter how I identified.
It didn’t matter that there wasn’t a label I felt comfortable with. As humans
we always want to categorize things, label things, simplify things. We want to
make things easier to understand. And I get it, I do it too. But sometimes we
have to accept the fact that not everything can be simplified and some things
don’t need to be.
I
personally wanted a label so I could understand myself more, but nothing felt
right, and still nothing feels right. Just because I don’t label myself doesn’t
mean I am confused or trying to figure things out. I honestly don’t even think
about it now. I know exactly where I stand and I don’t need a label to justify
it. I will love whoever I love and I will be happy about it. If at some point I
come to feel comfortable with a label, great. If this is where I stay the rest
of my life, awesome. My sexuality doesn’t define me. This is who I am and I’ve
accepted it.
For
those of you that don’t understand or don’t agree, it’s okay. But just because
you don’t understand someone else’s sexuality doesn’t make it wrong. And to be
quite honest, you don’t need to understand it; after all, it is theirs. You do
need to understand, however, that some people don’t identify with some of the
common labels and it isn’t on you to decide which suits them best. I know it’d
be easy to look at my situation and say “well she doesn’t just like guys so she
isn’t straight, and she doesn’t just like girls so she isn’t a lesbian, well
then she has to be bi.” (I am very aware bisexuality is a continuum, it still
isn’t a label I identify with.) It isn’t that simple, and even if it were, it’s
not up to you.
I
know there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way and I just want
you to know, not having a label is perfectly fine. And if there is a label that
fits you, that is just as great. It’s whatever works for you. This wasn’t meant
to be about me or my story; it was just one example of many to explain that
labels aren’t meant for everyone. This is for the people that are somewhere in
between and are trying to find a label, for those that are questioning and/or
confused, and for those that are currently unhappy about a label they are
conforming to. Know that you are not alone and that it doesn’t make your
sexuality any less valid. Not having a label is fine, besides labels are for
boxes.
Thank
you to Dem for allowing me to continue to be a part of this. If you haven’t already,
check out all of his awesome posts or check out my post from last November here:
http://amdaydream.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-boundaries-november-words-written-by.html. Thank you all for
reading and please feel free to leave some feedback in the comments section
below.
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