All Hands On Deck

Taking a break from blogging has honestly been a task, but in order to constantly produce quality content and ensure this continues to be a space for enlightenment and motivation I had to pause and reevaluate my life. All of this will be explained later in the month when I officially return to blogging, but for now...can I speak candidly? Sweet.

I have an issue; a pretty big one at that. Sitting here looking back on my life, I realize that this issue is self induced -- completely at my own discretion. Time and time again I allow the presence of others to catalyze the shit storm that is insecurity in my life. Past relationships, friendships, unrequited love, all of these things have allowed insecurity to spawn in the most unpleasant of places in my head. 

My skin is too dark. My hair isn't straight enough. I am too fat. My thighs hug each other. I am the perfect friend, but too imperfect to be called "boyfriend." I am too messed up. Who could love this hot mess?

These are the thoughts that run rapid in my head every time I am considered second best -- every time I am left in the dark left to sit in my emotions while I watch others find their own. I am so tired. I am tired of not being good enough, tired of not being someone's one and only, tired of being me.

These are the thoughts that circulated in my head in the past few months. Can I really achieve all of my goals? Will mediocrity consume me and cause me to be just another face in the crowd?

I have some answers.

My skin is the most rich hue of cocoa. God washed my body and soul in a waterfall dripping with desire. Too bad you can't taste this. So what if my stomach isn't perfectly sculpted. So what if my chest is larger than most. So fucking what if my thighs touch. Winters would never be cold with me. My body is my concern, if it concerns you, then you don't concern me. If you truly want me to be yours then never allow me question what feelings are within your core.

I can no longer be afraid of myself. Success is intertwined all throughout my psyche...there is no escaping it. I can't hide from myself so that I don't stand out too much. My every thought is important. My every emotion has worth. I will achieve my every desire and it won't be because someone loved me. It won't be because someone finally saw the beauty that is within me. It will be because I chose to love myself.

This is the journey I am embarking on. I am not perfect. I struggle with insecurity; it haunts me every day. We have to reach a point in our lives where we realize that no relationship is going to bring us worth. We must search within ourselves and discover every perfectly imperfect trait, and embrace it. Love is great to have in life, but the love for yourself is the most important love you must search for. I plan to fall in love with myself.