Every time I write about my feelings for someone in my life I make sure that there is a sense of ambiguity and mystery that keeps me from being completely vulnerable...
I have to let go. But I am not exactly sure what I need to let go of...
Do I let go of myself and continue to fall? Do I act rational and let go of these feelings? Do I act like they never existed? I don't really know. All I know is I can't shake you. I get angry and then I look at you and see the beauty within. Hurt me? That's okay, I can pick up the pieces. I did this -- to myself. But for some reason I don't mind. I don't mind falling. Gravity doesn't dictate my reality. I am falling through clouds of emotions I have never felt before. Each one unique to you. Unique to every minute spent, every second, every hour. I am in a constant state of flight; the ground is an infinity and beyond away. I've tried to run. And right off a cliff I go falling back into you. You're at my every turn. Like a broken record you repeat in my existence -- day in, day out. To say that this hurts would be an understatement. Throwing my soul out into the void and hoping that one day it proves to be worth it sucks. I have inflated this ballon with my own oxygen, my own energy, my heart and I haven't been given the chance to inhale. I am constantly exhaling all of myself into you and you still haven't given me the chance to breathe in. You literally take my breath away. And its not in the cheesy romantic comedy sort of way. This is deeper than that. I don't just look at you and see a destination or a goal. I see life, happiness, potential. The amount of potential that is resting is astounding. Together we would be indestructible. Adamantium. No other force in this world could destroy us. Only we have the power to turn this into a disaster. I just wish this didn't have to be fiction any longer. Give me a reality. Give yourself to me and I promise you won't regret it. Fall with me.
Somehow wanting this makes me feel selfish. So I sit here and wait...just for you. I can try and run. I can try and act like I am not falling. Like everything is okay -- just for you. But we both know something has to hit the fan. Disaster is not my concern. "What if" is not my concern. My concern is you. And me. At some point I allowed myself to become secondary and I can't allow that to continue. I am falling; with a parachute. Give me a reason to take it off. Give me a reason to fall free again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I listened to this track while I wrote this. It is a beautiful song and definitely worth a listen. Nicole Scherzinger killed every lyric and note. Plus, the video is amazing.
I recommend you reread the post while listening to this in order to feel everything I think you should.
Enjoy.
I cried. I am going through something pretty similar so it felt nice. Thank you
ReplyDeleteFalling in love is a terrifying experience. You breach territories beyond your control of self. There is no longer a right or wrong & you must balance your needs while diving head first into a sea of the unknown. But if you're going to dive, don't let your need for oxygen stop you from diving as far as you can. Even if you never reach Atlantis, you'll get to see the pretty fishies & explore, and if you run out of oxygen on the way you can always float back to the surface.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the cheesy analogy lolz
After losing my soul mate due to infidelity "falling" seems like a distant memory. I have been close to the edge with the person I am with now, but I hesitate to let go. Your ability to articulate the complexity of "falling" was beautiful. Thank you for reminding me why "falling" is so important. It isn't the fear of hitting the ground that should take over, it's the experience of the fall.
ReplyDelete