Thank You

This past Thursday I had the most craziest night. And the days following only became more confusing and enlightening all in the same. Thursday night I was home alone and I was having extreme upper abdominal pains and felt as if I was going to throw up...gross I know. Unfortunately, I realized it wasn't just an upset stomach when I proceeded to go to the bathroom and a large amount of blood came out of me. Naturally, I had a nervous breakdown and called my mom to take me to the hospital. We arrived at Good Samaritan's ER later that night and spent a lot time checking my vitals and asking me personal questions in order to figure out what was going on. When they couldn't figure it out, they told me I was being admitted to the hospital -__- From there things just got more and more upsetting, as they told me theories as to what was going on inside me. Ulcers, intestinal bleeding, hemroids, cancerous polups. At the end of the day, I was pretty worried...way less than my family and friends who all had panic attacks. But I think that's what I want to talk about the most in this post. The support of my family and friends. I appreciate them all so much for coming to visit me, sending prayers, texting me, calling me, messaging me, anything to just let me know that I was in their thoughts. <3 It was beyond humbling knowing that I was this blessed to be able to coexist with such amazing people. While my family is obligated to love me........I was equally warmed by the love from close friends. I am so happy with the beautiful people I have decided to surround myself with. In all honesty, if you know me well, my friends are my life. I live when I am with them, I am myself when I am with them, they help me become a better person each and every day. Ultimately, with the amount of love that has came my way these past couple of days I knew that I wouldn't have anything but good news coming my way in the hospital. And, with no surprise, this morning I was discharged from the hospital. I was told that I had an unexplained tear in my stomach that they seared closed in a minor surgery yesterday morning, and I was able to go home on a close watch to be sure all internal bleeding has stopped. At this moment, I am sitting in my home, with my grandparents, on my couch, enjoying a day watching Disney movies and being thankful for the life that I have been given, and plan to live on. Sometimes in life, we forget about the little things, and this experience has opened my eyes to the amount of love that is felt for me. (while I should have NEVER doubted that in the first place lol) So I thank all of you for caring for me, and supporting me through a crazy time. I love you all and stay blessed and beautiful :)

There Are Perfections in Imperfection

By default I had to dedicate this blog post to the beautiful, Tori Kelly. Just this past week she performed at the Troubador and straight KILLED IT. She performed songs from her EP and then decided to make my life and perform new songs from her upcoming album. Mind you, ALL of the songs were perfection, but one really stuck out to me, and seemed relevant to my life right now. As you can see I posted the video above, and the song is called Design.

This song is about loving yourself for all of your imperfections and more. If you know me well, this is something that I feel very strongly about. In case you don't know me, I spent a great deal of my life hating everything possible about myself. From my image, to my simple thoughts, I felt as if I was not deserving of happiness. These ideas were a product of rejection from my peers and mainly -- myself. Long story short, I was heavily bullied for a majority of my schooling experience. To be blunt, it was my very own hell. One thing that I do know is that if I had realized that finding happiness starts with falling in love with yourself for who you are I would have never put myself through all of the shit that I did.

Just the other day a very close friend of mine confided in me about their insecurities. They felt that people didn't notice them, that their imperfections made them inferior to others. What's funny is that the things that they described were the EXACT reasons why I love them so much. I feel like this is something we should think about...being critical of ourselves is good, because then we are always striving to be better...but when is it too much? If there were so many things wrong with you, then why are there people in this world that love you for you? Maybe it is our imperfections that make people fall in love with us. MAYBE we should look at ourselves more lightly and realize that we are only human. You are incapable of being the perfect man or perfect woman...but you can be the perfect you. But the only way you can find perfection in yourself...is to begin by falling in love with yourself. You need to love every flaw and imperfection before you can discover your perfections. You were designed for greatness, allow yourself to rise to the occasion and start to love what has been given to you.

At the end of the day, no matter what happens, whoever walks out of your life, whatever is said against you, when you feel like their is no one else...there is only one person you have to live with -- that's you. Love that person.

"I Like You..I Think?"

Let me just begin by saying this: If you like me..DON'T play little kid games and put me on an emotional roller coaster. Last time I checked I didn't buy a ticket to an amusement park. This is real life fool, GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Can someone please just explain to me why people feel so compelled to make things complicated? Like did nobody take Avril Lavigne's lyrics to heart?!?!

But you've become...

Somebody else 'round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated

........

You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it

This girl was straight preaching to us and clearly this kid, and many others, didn't get the memo. And the funny part is, I don't even feel anything for them, but what really gets to me is that we are supposed to be friends. If we are gonna be friends I DON'T CARE if you have feelings for me, feelings are where we find our truths, but DON'T YOU DARE act a certain way, flirt, try and get all hot and bothered and shit with me and then turn and say, "Oh....Oh...I...I did nothing" Like really??!?!?! That makes the awkward vibe that you clearly didn't want to come right in the middle of us.

In my opinion, I think that feelings should never be a game. If you feel a certain way trust that your friend will understand and not make it awkward. But I am not a believer in closeting your feelings for people and becoming miserable in your own 007 covert mission to hide what is clearly there. Have a feeling? Express it. Have a thought? Say it. While this seems so easy, this is the reason why friendships end, relationships become tainted, and lives become shitty.

One last thought: While I want you to be honest with yourself and tell me the truth...I know I will never get it...does this mean I should just not care? Does this mean I should just stop being friends with you? Unfortunately, these questions won't be answered at the moment because I have feelings for someone else...while they lack in places, like we all do, their imperfections make me smile, laugh, get all warm and fuzzy. You lost your chance a long time ago...deal with it. My life goes on and I won't spend it worrying about you, how you are feeling, what you are doing, because that's energy I would be taking away from ensuring my happiness. Yes I care about you deeply, and you can come to me whenever you want. But my mind won't ride this roller coaster with you anymore -- I'm trying to coast on this ship to happiness now. :)

Lovesong

The song above means quite a bit to me...this song defines the exact standards of what I want to gain out of this life -- love.

If you know me well, you know that Adele is one of my most favorite artists -- period. But let me tell you the story behind this song. A while back I dedicated this song to a relationship...typical right? I can still remember sitting in my car with them, singing to them, holding their hand, trying not to embarrass myself with awkward stares, expressing my every emotion...I wanted a lot of things out that relationship, understanding, openness, support, laughter, happiness, everything I knew I wanted...and when they couldn't fulfill that or even reciprocate my feelings...I broke down. Considering, a majority of my past relationships ended in ways I wish they didn't, the fact that this one did so terribly, I really had given up on my search for connection and compassion in others, both romantic and friendly. Essentially I spent a few years being the innocent bystander to everyone else's happiness. Everyone else finding joy in others company. Everyone else loving themselves. I got to a point where the person I saw in the mirror was disgusting, repulsive, just outright unlovable. Now I know this doesn't sound right because I am consistently surrounded by friends and family who love me unconditionally...but that didn't change how I felt about MYSELF. And no, this depression was not one that was solely a product of heartache...struggling with loving myself has ALWAYS been an issue...thanks junior high! (Long story) But just the fact that again someone could not see what I wanted them to really got to me. I consistently struck myself with the question: What is wrong with me?

One of my most favorite quotes of all time comes from the movie Dan in Real Life starring Steve Carrell (GO WATCH IT) Here's the scene: he finds out his daughter fell in love with a boy after only three days and he finds this completely impossible telling them they don't know about feelings such as love...then her "boothang" responds with this, "Love isn't a feeling -- it's an ability." (Let us pause for this amazingness.........)  But in all seriousness, ever since I heard this, I lived by it. A feeling is temporary, abilities are permanent. (if exercised regularly) Loving someone should never be temporary. Loving someone should be an everlasting enjoyment in each others shared ability.

Having the ability to love and be loved was something that I thought I had lost somewhere down the road. Not when this relationship went south, but the first time I ever thought of myself unworthy of such an ability. I realized that I had given up this amazing gift when I didn't accept the person that I was. I realized I had to begin loving myself, before I attempted to love others.

Now let us fast forward to this past school year. This past year I chose to embrace everything about myself. Every flaw, every perfection, every awkward quark and weird tendency. And by doing this I created connections with some of the most amazing people. I found bits and pieces of this song in every one of them. I felt my ability to love myself being exercised. As they accepted every aspect of me I began to do the same. So let me just thank you guys by saying this. You make me feel like I am home again. You make me feel like I am whole again. You make me feel like I am free again. You make me feel like I am clean again. You make me feel like I can love myself again.

So let me just close by saying that loving yourself is NEVER an easy journey, nor is it fast. It took me a long time to accept myself and find joy inside this crazy person that I am. I stopped looking for others to make me whole and I instead made myself whole independently. I then found that I can be whole and more with the love of others. I am not done with my journey, but I can say that I am happy with where I am in life. I have amazing friends and family. I love myself. I am growing to actually feel for others in that crazy, stupid, love kinda way. (Ooo) I have regained my ability to love. There's NOTHING wrong with me...I am the only me and by default I am the most perfect me there will ever be.