If you know me well, you know that Adele is one of my most favorite artists -- period. But let me tell you the story behind this song. A while back I dedicated this song to a relationship...typical right? I can still remember sitting in my car with them, singing to them, holding their hand, trying not to embarrass myself with awkward stares, expressing my every emotion...I wanted a lot of things out that relationship, understanding, openness, support, laughter, happiness, everything I knew I wanted...and when they couldn't fulfill that or even reciprocate my feelings...I broke down. Considering, a majority of my past relationships ended in ways I wish they didn't, the fact that this one did so terribly, I really had given up on my search for connection and compassion in others, both romantic and friendly. Essentially I spent a few years being the innocent bystander to everyone else's happiness. Everyone else finding joy in others company. Everyone else loving themselves. I got to a point where the person I saw in the mirror was disgusting, repulsive, just outright unlovable. Now I know this doesn't sound right because I am consistently surrounded by friends and family who love me unconditionally...but that didn't change how I felt about MYSELF. And no, this depression was not one that was solely a product of heartache...struggling with loving myself has ALWAYS been an issue...thanks junior high! (Long story) But just the fact that again someone could not see what I wanted them to really got to me. I consistently struck myself with the question: What is wrong with me?
One of my most favorite quotes of all time comes from the movie Dan in Real Life starring Steve Carrell (GO WATCH IT) Here's the scene: he finds out his daughter fell in love with a boy after only three days and he finds this completely impossible telling them they don't know about feelings such as love...then her "boothang" responds with this, "Love isn't a feeling -- it's an ability." (Let us pause for this amazingness.........) But in all seriousness, ever since I heard this, I lived by it. A feeling is temporary, abilities are permanent. (if exercised regularly) Loving someone should never be temporary. Loving someone should be an everlasting enjoyment in each others shared ability.
Having the ability to love and be loved was something that I thought I had lost somewhere down the road. Not when this relationship went south, but the first time I ever thought of myself unworthy of such an ability. I realized that I had given up this amazing gift when I didn't accept the person that I was. I realized I had to begin loving myself, before I attempted to love others.
Now let us fast forward to this past school year. This past year I chose to embrace everything about myself. Every flaw, every perfection, every awkward quark and weird tendency. And by doing this I created connections with some of the most amazing people. I found bits and pieces of this song in every one of them. I felt my ability to love myself being exercised. As they accepted every aspect of me I began to do the same. So let me just thank you guys by saying this. You make me feel like I am home again. You make me feel like I am whole again. You make me feel like I am free again. You make me feel like I am clean again. You make me feel like I can love myself again.
So let me just close by saying that loving yourself is NEVER an easy journey, nor is it fast. It took me a long time to accept myself and find joy inside this crazy person that I am. I stopped looking for others to make me whole and I instead made myself whole independently. I then found that I can be whole and more with the love of others. I am not done with my journey, but I can say that I am happy with where I am in life. I have amazing friends and family. I love myself. I am growing to actually feel for others in that crazy, stupid, love kinda way. (Ooo) I have regained my ability to love. There's NOTHING wrong with me...I am the only me and by default I am the most perfect me there will ever be.
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