NBN14: Labels Are For Boxes (Bianca Bejar)

As my 21^st birthday approaches (less than 2 weeks!!!), I’d like to take a minute to reflect on what a year 20 was. Aside from the usual things that come every year, there was something special about this year; I fell for someone. And while it was definitely unrequited and is almost just a memory now, it was quite an experience. They are an amazing person, with a great personality, someone that lives life so passionately, is so unapologetically themselves, constantly makes me laugh, and is just someone I was lucky enough to meet and someone I’m blessed enough to call a friend. This person is full of surprises but what was more surprising is the fact that I fell for them. I’ve always been fairly open-minded, I think, but never had this open-mindedness become my own reality.

Let me explain. I have always been accepting and supportive of gay people, it’s always been something normal for me. I’ve always been an ally. And as far as my sexuality is concerned, I’ve always been straight*. Straight hasn’t always been the best label though because while that is how I identified, it wasn’t necessarily representative of me. I was always attracted solely to men but being the open-minded person I was, I was never quite closed to the idea of being with a woman. It wasn’t that I was attracted to women or could even see myself with one, but rather if the right person came along and I fell for them, I wouldn’t be opposed. I wouldn’t deny myself from love just because they were not a male. I never told anyone in high school because I never thought it to be relevant and I didn’t begin exploring this idea more until I got to UW. And it was easy to continue as straight* because no one had ever actually brought it into play. No one had ever made it real, and thankfully so because at that point, straight would no longer apply to me, not even with an asterisk.

But then someone did. Someone came along and without intention, made me feel something I had not felt in a while and then, again without intention, they made me feel something I had never let myself feel for anyone. I’m not going to say who she is, but she knows. And while nothing came from it, a lot actually did. I don’t know if it is because she herself identifies as bi or just because of the kind of person she is, but she was very understanding. She was also very insightful and I thank her for being there and being supportive of me while going through that slightly confusing and transitional time. She could’ve easily stepped away while I figured out my feelings for her, but instead she put our friendship first and was there for me as I figured out my feelings in general. I had many conversations with her, as well as other friends, looking for answers and essentially came up with nothing, but that nothing was my answer.

What I was really searching for was a label, a way to identify. I still wasn’t sure exactly how I felt, but I knew I no longer could consider myself straight. I was still as attracted to men as I’ve always been. And while I was completely attracted to her, I still wasn’t attracted to other women. So that left me somewhere on the spectrum but I had no idea where. And then I realized, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter where I fell. It didn’t matter how I identified. It didn’t matter that there wasn’t a label I felt comfortable with. As humans we always want to categorize things, label things, simplify things. We want to make things easier to understand. And I get it, I do it too. But sometimes we have to accept the fact that not everything can be simplified and some things don’t need to be.

I personally wanted a label so I could understand myself more, but nothing felt right, and still nothing feels right. Just because I don’t label myself doesn’t mean I am confused or trying to figure things out. I honestly don’t even think about it now. I know exactly where I stand and I don’t need a label to justify it. I will love whoever I love and I will be happy about it. If at some point I come to feel comfortable with a label, great. If this is where I stay the rest of my life, awesome. My sexuality doesn’t define me. This is who I am and I’ve accepted it.

For those of you that don’t understand or don’t agree, it’s okay. But just because you don’t understand someone else’s sexuality doesn’t make it wrong. And to be quite honest, you don’t need to understand it; after all, it is theirs. You do need to understand, however, that some people don’t identify with some of the common labels and it isn’t on you to decide which suits them best. I know it’d be easy to look at my situation and say “well she doesn’t just like guys so she isn’t straight, and she doesn’t just like girls so she isn’t a lesbian, well then she has to be bi.” (I am very aware bisexuality is a continuum, it still isn’t a label I identify with.) It isn’t that simple, and even if it were, it’s not up to you.

I know there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way and I just want you to know, not having a label is perfectly fine. And if there is a label that fits you, that is just as great. It’s whatever works for you. This wasn’t meant to be about me or my story; it was just one example of many to explain that labels aren’t meant for everyone. This is for the people that are somewhere in between and are trying to find a label, for those that are questioning and/or confused, and for those that are currently unhappy about a label they are conforming to. Know that you are not alone and that it doesn’t make your sexuality any less valid. Not having a label is fine, besides labels are for boxes.

Thank you to Dem for allowing me to continue to be a part of this. If you haven’t already, check out all of his awesome posts or check out my post from last November here: http://amdaydream.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-boundaries-november-words-written-by.html. Thank you all for reading and please feel free to leave some feedback in the comments section below.

NBN14: Fall

Every time I write about my feelings for someone in my life I make sure that there is a sense of ambiguity and mystery that keeps me from being completely vulnerable...

I have to let go. But I am not exactly sure what I need to let go of...

Do I let go of myself and continue to fall? Do I act rational and let go of these feelings? Do I act like they never existed? I don't really know. All I know is I can't shake you. I get angry and then I look at you and see the beauty within. Hurt me? That's okay, I can pick up the pieces. I did this -- to myself. But for some reason I don't mind. I don't mind falling. Gravity doesn't dictate my reality. I am falling through clouds of emotions I have never felt before. Each one unique to you. Unique to every minute spent, every second, every hour. I am in a constant state of flight; the ground is an infinity and beyond away. I've tried to run. And right off a cliff I go falling back into you. You're at my every turn. Like a broken record you repeat in my existence -- day in, day out. To say that this hurts would be an understatement. Throwing my soul out into the void and hoping that one day it proves to be worth it sucks. I have inflated this ballon with my own oxygen, my own energy, my heart and I haven't been given the chance to inhale. I am constantly exhaling all of myself into you and you still haven't given me the chance to breathe in. You literally take my breath away. And its not in the cheesy romantic comedy sort of way. This is deeper than that. I don't just look at you and see a destination or a goal. I see life, happiness, potential. The amount of potential that is resting is astounding. Together we would be indestructible. Adamantium. No other force in this world could destroy us. Only we have the power to turn this into a disaster. I just wish this didn't have to be fiction any longer. Give me a reality. Give yourself to me and I promise you won't regret it. Fall with me. 

Somehow wanting this makes me feel selfish. So I sit here and wait...just for you. I can try and run. I can try and act like I am not falling. Like everything is okay -- just for you. But we both know something has to hit the fan. Disaster is not my concern. "What if" is not my concern. My concern is you. And me. At some point I allowed myself to become secondary and I can't allow that to continue. I am falling; with a parachute. Give me a reason to take it off. Give me a reason to fall free again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I listened to this track while I wrote this. It is a beautiful song and definitely worth a listen. Nicole Scherzinger killed every lyric and note. Plus, the video is amazing. 

I recommend you reread the post while listening to this in order to feel everything I think you should. 

Enjoy.

NBN14: Good Enough

"Because of the number of more competitive applicants, your application has been denied."

For my first official post of No Boundaries November I want to discuss fate. From my first quarter of college to now I have changed a lot. I have discovered myself, who I am, and what I want. Walking into this school freshman year, I had little to no idea what I was really going to do, I just thought Pre Med would get me there...at least monetarily. Obviously, I quickly realized that wasn't the right path for me, so I had to take a step back and find myself, what I wanted, and where I was going. Here I am two years later and I still can't tell you exactly what I will do when I graduate. The fear of the unknown is something we all deal with as humans. Who will I become? What will my career be? Who will I marry? Will I be successful? We literally allow these questions to consume us and create an eclipse over our lives. 

Yes, clarity is nice, but if you knew what your every move would be your life would be stifled. I have wasted so much time, energy, and tears trying to meticulously plan out my life in order to convince myself that I would make enough money in my lifetime. Scratch that, I have pushed myself so hard because I have been afraid of being judged. I allowed the idea of not making ridiculous sums of money to cloud my judgement. I realized this the other day when I was pushed to my limit. For the record, I hate accounting, it will be the death of me...it sure has been the death of my self esteem academically this week. I digress, I did terrible on a quiz that I studied my ass off for and it really tore me up. I couldn't even sit in my lecture with my wandering thoughts of failure and disappointment. I could feel my soul ferociously shaking trying to wake me from my nightmare but I had already allowed my personal darkness to consume me. Soon enough the vibrations brought on a tsunami and I couldn't take it. I ran home and cried for an hour. I kept asking myself, "How are you whining this much about a quiz?!"

After I collected myself, I knew I had to reset my flow of energy for the day...naturally, I decided to meditate. During this time of reflection and relaxation I tried to refocus my thoughts and pinpoint my inner desires. I had to force myself to see that I would never beat myself up about a quiz on a regular day, that is just stupid. I was beating myself up because I was afraid of not getting into a major that I knew would open up numerous job opportunities for me. I was afraid of disappointing the imaginary public that we all think is watching us. I was afraid that not getting into the business school would seal a fate of mediocrity. Essentially, I was afraid of ________.

I was afraid of a bunch of bullshit.

No school can decide my fate for me. I decide my fate, I manifest my dreams, I achieve my goals. No school can do those things for me. I had allowed the idea of being in such an amazing major cloud my judgement and my ultimate control over my life. Realizing this as I type this post has allowed me to have an epiphany: I am okay. Getting rejected from a major that I worked my ass off for sucks, but listen, life goes on. There is no time to waste crying about it! My dreams are waiting!

It is time for me to chase my dreams and push all of the bullshit out of the way.

What do I know for sure?

• I am majoring in Psychology (thank God I had two schools in mind)
• I want to touch people's lives
• I have a voice of inspiration
• I have a divine right to protect my dreams and future
• I have never been more motivated to achieve my goals in my entire life

With that, I leave you all with this: When adversity causes you to stumble and fall, don't think about the scar, you will heal. Get back up and keep running for your dreams.

Dear Deme,

It is the second of November in the year two-thousand fourteen.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Stop trying to achieve perfection. Save yourself.

We started our first paid job this past week...cool right? I mean its only been two long-ish shifts so far, but I think we like it. This coming Friday we are receiving a letter that will determine exactly where you are right now. Whether we get into the Foster School of Business or not, I have high hopes for us. We are going to do big things kid.

Hey kid..

Pick your head up. Stop looking down. You might not have anyone in your corner right now, life may seem like a continuous tunnel of darkness, but beauty is coming your way. You don't need to sit in your room releasing your emotions alone; coating your face with a thin layer of salt. You can stop feeling sorry for yourself -- things will get better. The bruises on your heart, your soul, your body...those will soon begin to fade. Those days where you laid in the grass beaten and destroyed will soon become stories -- just memories. They won't plague you much longer. Just keep your chin up. Look in that mirror and see. You have stopped seeing kid; you've stopped seeing yourself. Go watch the Santa Clause. Remember that quote right? I know you do. "Seeing isn't believing -- believing is seeing." Believe in yourself.

Listen.

We will become something. It doesn't matter what people have said about us. Faggot, Nigger, Fat Ass, Mistake -- they all sound the same to me. Fear. People fear us. They are afraid of our potential. The resting energy that lies within us scares the shit out of them. We have the ability to change this world and they are afraid. They are afraid of the moment when we let it all free...that moment when we can finally see. We can never stop believing in our self.

Be Ambitious. Dream. Believe. Achieve. Give. Receive.

Be Ambitious: when the world seems like a hopeless vacancy.

Dream: when you need to escape your demons and discover your purpose.

Achieve: every ambitious daydream that resides within.

Give: your entire self to the world.

Receive: all of the beauty that you know you deserve.


You can never stop,

Deme

All Hands On Deck

Taking a break from blogging has honestly been a task, but in order to constantly produce quality content and ensure this continues to be a space for enlightenment and motivation I had to pause and reevaluate my life. All of this will be explained later in the month when I officially return to blogging, but for now...can I speak candidly? Sweet.

I have an issue; a pretty big one at that. Sitting here looking back on my life, I realize that this issue is self induced -- completely at my own discretion. Time and time again I allow the presence of others to catalyze the shit storm that is insecurity in my life. Past relationships, friendships, unrequited love, all of these things have allowed insecurity to spawn in the most unpleasant of places in my head. 

My skin is too dark. My hair isn't straight enough. I am too fat. My thighs hug each other. I am the perfect friend, but too imperfect to be called "boyfriend." I am too messed up. Who could love this hot mess?

These are the thoughts that run rapid in my head every time I am considered second best -- every time I am left in the dark left to sit in my emotions while I watch others find their own. I am so tired. I am tired of not being good enough, tired of not being someone's one and only, tired of being me.

These are the thoughts that circulated in my head in the past few months. Can I really achieve all of my goals? Will mediocrity consume me and cause me to be just another face in the crowd?

I have some answers.

My skin is the most rich hue of cocoa. God washed my body and soul in a waterfall dripping with desire. Too bad you can't taste this. So what if my stomach isn't perfectly sculpted. So what if my chest is larger than most. So fucking what if my thighs touch. Winters would never be cold with me. My body is my concern, if it concerns you, then you don't concern me. If you truly want me to be yours then never allow me question what feelings are within your core.

I can no longer be afraid of myself. Success is intertwined all throughout my psyche...there is no escaping it. I can't hide from myself so that I don't stand out too much. My every thought is important. My every emotion has worth. I will achieve my every desire and it won't be because someone loved me. It won't be because someone finally saw the beauty that is within me. It will be because I chose to love myself.

This is the journey I am embarking on. I am not perfect. I struggle with insecurity; it haunts me every day. We have to reach a point in our lives where we realize that no relationship is going to bring us worth. We must search within ourselves and discover every perfectly imperfect trait, and embrace it. Love is great to have in life, but the love for yourself is the most important love you must search for. I plan to fall in love with myself.

Vibrations

Love speaks LOUD.

For some reason I can't stop thinking of you
Your infectious laugh
Your beautiful smile
It all engulfs me.

Billions of butterflies rustle at the sight of you
And just when my vision is cleared,
Your beautiful imperfection knocks me back into a hazy nirvana
This uncontrollable cycle excites me
Yet I sit here afraid.

How could I feel so much love?
I know that love cannot be explained
But you are my definition
Together we could author a glorious dictionary
Everyone would look to us for clarity

This love speaks loud
No matter if it is just me -- unrequited
I can't get this crazy, stupid, love out of my head -- rewind it
Everywhere I go it replays in my head like a broken record
But as long as your name sits on the track,
I could listen to it play over and over
And over...and over

I replay our every moment together in my head
Syndicated
There is no place I’d rather be

It is a shot in the dark

A shout into the void
I just hope that when this love is loud enough
You will pick up my vibrations and hear perfection
This love?
It demands to be heard

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know this isn't my usual post, and I haven't posted anything in a long time...but know that I have been taking this break from blogging to get through some personal issues. I just wanted to publish something on here so I could stop feeling insane. I will be back on here regularly soon, and other formats as well. Bare with me.

I can't really say that one thing inspired this post, or one specific person for that matter.
Love is a language we all can understand, and I have been translating a lot lately.

Anyway, I played this song on absolute repeat while writing this for inspiration...so I think you guys should check it out!
Stay beautiful <3

The New Classic

Just the other day a good friend of mine came up to me and talked about how they feel they have changed since high school...and then that got me thinking...why does this happen?! Well here's a quick stream of consciousness!

Growing up we always hear people tell us to "be ourselves" -- to be unique. But at what cost? We live in a time where going against the grain gets you shunned by your peers and denied several simple liberties...so why should we go out of our way to be different, when being 'normal' works out just fine? We should be telling young people the truth: being different is the hardest damn thing you can do in this life, so be ready for a lot of backlash. We should be telling young people that sometimes you will feel alone, that sometimes it will seem like being different is the worst possible option. So I guess we are left with a dilemma...should we all just fall in line? Is normal the way to go?

Here is what I propose: go against the grain with all that you have! Ignite this spark in as many people as you can until you cause a shift in the norm -- catalyze the new classic. Yes, being different can be hard and sometimes it seems pointless...but you must realize that you can be the happiest and most successful individual in this world. Choosing this path can bring adversity into your life, but you will reap a lifetime of benefits. You could be a part of something BIG. You could say that you paved the way for young people to feel safe in their own skin. You could say you lived the life that YOU wanted to live.

The classic timeline of life is this: follow the crowd until you graduate high school and then MAYBE you get the courage to be yourself.

This has to change.

I am an advocate of The New Classic! We should be inspired to be ourselves from day one. From the first day we walk into a school we should feel the urge to speak our minds, to wear what we want, to live truthfully. We shouldn't have to tell young people that being different will be hard, that they will feel alone, or that being themselves can feel pointless. We should be telling young people to be pioneers of something bigger than themselves. We should be telling them to always be working towards the greater. Mediocre is never an option! Be ambitious, feel inspired to be yourself! We shouldn't have to have anti-bullying campaigns. We should have individuality campaigns! It is time to stop focusing on the negative side of this age old problem and start over with something new. We can eliminate this issue, by focusing our efforts toward the solution! The New Classic is what I propose...ignite an Ambitious Daydreamer in every young person and create a movement....

"Normal" is just a word. Individuality is a lifestyle of happiness.


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Okay so this week I have been obsessed with Betty Who! If you haven't heard of her...you should find out! Here is one of her songs! Hope you love it!

Front And Center

Sometimes I forget that I have this amazing space to express myself and interact with others...it honestly makes me feel like there is a weight lifted off of my shoulders after I write something on here, its like, "okay...that happened, I feel what I do, now let's make some moves towards a better life." That's the beauty of expressing myself so freely -- on the internet of all places. Anyway, I feel as if I had to say this to remind myself...and all of you, that it is okay to be open -- it IS okay to feel.

_____

The other night I went to a popular open mic here on campus, R.E.T.R.O....(side note: if you go to UW or live in the area, check it out...I guarantee you will be pleased!) Personally, I genuinely love watching people in a position of vulnerability -- a state of uncertainty. It is in this state where I feel we achieve our greatest desires, where we can overcome our greatest fears. So it excites me to see people, regulars to newcomers, step up on that stage and perform at the expense of about 200 of their peers every month. At this point I bet you are wondering why this is so important/what this has to do with anything...well let me pose some questions for you: Could you step up on a stage and perform in front of a large crowd? Would the possible judgement stop you from stepping up? Are you able to speak your mind, even when all of the focus is on you? What I am really getting at is...are you ambitious? Do you have a desire so strong that it cannot be tamed by the societal constructs placed in your way? Stereotypes, peer pressure, fear of rejection, all of these things stifle our potential as members of society, as human beings. Our life is stage...man, woman, he, she, they, them, we, us. This life is our stage and we are just performing. Our art is projected through our every movement and action -- we are beings of beauty. Together we play in an ethereal symphony. We must listen to our surroundings in order to stay in tune, in pitch, in time. All the attention is on us, we are the stars of our own production! My biggest stage is here writing to all of you. I step up on this stage time after time, trying to project something of beauty by giving my thoughts on life and what it can bring. I have found my role, and now it is time to listen to my surroundings. Finding your role is the most difficult part of this performance of life. You never want to be a supporting act in someone else's production! There is no need to sit in the background and watch others perform. Find your strengths, and exploit them. There is no time to be a bystander! Find your role, find your stage, and give the best damn performance that you can! You owe that to yourself, and to the rest of this world. Don't be afraid to step out -- center stage is where you belong. Nobody else can be the star of your life, that divine role is reserved just for you. Stop letting doubt hold you back from performing at your best, for this symphony can only be a thing of beauty if we all listen to ourselves, our surroundings, and harmonize.

_____


Thanks for reading! I really appreciate everyone who reads these, even though I take forever to post! haha Regardless, I want to start this thing where I tell you guys what I am listening to right now! This music may have something to do with posts, it may not, but regardless it will always be good music...or at least to me! So right now, I have been listening to a lot of Sam Smith...because he is everything. His voice is beautiful. SO here is one of my favorites by him.

Let's Take A Long Walk

I really want to take this time to really share my deepest feelings with all of you right now. Is that okay? Yes? Ooooooh okay let's get started then! haha

For the past five years of my life I have been held back by many things in my personal life. Whether it be my insecurities, my lack of confidence, or my residual feelings for past partners...they all have stopped me from taking advantage of beautiful experiences in my life. I was like a "bag man", dragging all of that baggage down the street, just trying to make it to the next bus stop...missing bus after bus just trying to get to my next destination. I let my relaxation in a shitty cycle screw up my situation, and halt my education on myself and what I deserve in my revelation of life. Better yet, I would call this a renaissance. A renaissance of my mind, body, and soul. Year after year, I waited for that moment with that one person, and I realize now that one situation's ending maybe be the catalyst I needed to see what is really in front of me. So here I am, wanting to take a long walk around the park. I am ready to put another before my self. Ready to dive deep into their oceans and be fully immersed in their every emotion. I want to take a stroll through someone else's mind for a change. I mean, who knows who it will be, when it will happen, how it will go...but honestly, none of that really matters to me. The fact that I am in a better place than where I once was -- praise the Lord! I love myself, AND I know what I want. I know I can have it. I know I deserve it, but I am not reliant on IT! I want that connection, but I don't need this connection to connect my pieces. I am my own finished puzzle beautifully crafted and solved by me...but we can start another if you are up for the challenge -- just you and I. Taking on the world when it says "no." Igniting each others fires, allowing them to burst into a effervescent inferno. Captivating, exciting, unpredictable...capable of the impossible. That is what our love will be like. Flexible, malleable, but never broken. With you I will be living life like it is golden: a life fit for the highest of the high. A life destined for you and I. With you I will feel like I am in tune with myself, simply by hearing everything that is you. Let me hear your symphony.

Gumption

When I think about all of the amazing things and people that have come into my life one things seems to always run constant: it all has been driven by gumption. Gumption is the act of taking initiative; having courage, spunk, guts. Gumption is what brings all happiness into my life. Looking back on my life I realize that without this, I would not be at the University of Washington, I wouldn't have the friends that I have...ultimately, I wouldn't be the person I am today. This is something worth expanding on...how is it that this one word sums up everything that I am and ever will be?

With that in mind...here is a quick video expanding on these thoughts! I hope you enjoy it, and I am sorry for the quality!

Worth It

Today I want to vent to you guys, I sure hope you are all okay with that...if not, you already clicked the link so just go ahead and read it anyway. Haha

This morning I am a little bothered with a specific construct in this crazy thing called life -- money. Growing up, it was something I never really paid attention to, it was just something my parents took out of some thing called a bank and then we did fun stuff. So I guess way back then I created this unconscious idea that money would bring happiness, that it would bring my greatest joys...Today, money is something I absolutely dread talking about, something I actually hate to use. Now I know that seems weird and not "economically correct", but my hatred for money goes a lot deeper than just a frugal idea. Money is the one thing that has continuously tried to keep me from my future. How is it that a piece of paper can determine where you will go, and just how successful you will be? I envy those who do not have to worry, I respect that luxury so much. Mind you I am not throwing a pity party, I am just making an observation. Apparently, the only way I can better myself and my education is to pay thousands of dollars....BUT FOR WHAT?! Why am I being penalized for wanting to be successful? Why do I have to struggle every third damn week of the new quarter? How is it that I am seen as a monetary gain rather than a person who just wants to learn? Ultimately, I am just bothered. I do well in school, I work so hard, but then that tuition and housing bill comes in and then it feels like I am right back at square one. This constant back and forth is what brings me my lowest days and my highest. It is beyond confusing as you can imagine -- I know a lot of you can. I just wish college was something that was attainable for everyone. When I look at my graduating class, the main reason why anyone ever said they weren't going to college was because of the money -- that is powerful. A green piece of paper has that much power in our lives...enough power to make us turn away from what we really want. And what really gets to me, is that there is NOTHING we can do to change this power that money has gained. 

What do I know for sure?

I know that no matter how many no's I am given, whether it be from FAFSA, my peers, haters, friends, even family, I can not and will not stop fighting for my future. I have been through too much, I have seen too many let go of their dreams...I refuse to be another tick on the unemployment graph. I refuse to let a piece of damn paper tell me what I can do with myself. I know my talents, my strengths, my purpose in this life, and no matter how many times life brings me down I will always get back up ready for another fight. Bring on the next quarter, hell I have struggled every single one...and I am still here! Bring on another person telling me I won't make it, give me more motivation to keep this blog going! Bring on whatever you want to try and diminish my pride in myself and my future...I will consistently counter with everything I have. What do I know for sure? I know that the struggle I am fighting right now with money and school is only temporary. I don't care what it takes, UW is where I will be graduating from, and my words will be heard all around the world. This struggle is nothing but a blip in this story I am writing for myself.

It'll all be worth it in the end.