NBN14: Good Enough

"Because of the number of more competitive applicants, your application has been denied."

For my first official post of No Boundaries November I want to discuss fate. From my first quarter of college to now I have changed a lot. I have discovered myself, who I am, and what I want. Walking into this school freshman year, I had little to no idea what I was really going to do, I just thought Pre Med would get me there...at least monetarily. Obviously, I quickly realized that wasn't the right path for me, so I had to take a step back and find myself, what I wanted, and where I was going. Here I am two years later and I still can't tell you exactly what I will do when I graduate. The fear of the unknown is something we all deal with as humans. Who will I become? What will my career be? Who will I marry? Will I be successful? We literally allow these questions to consume us and create an eclipse over our lives. 

Yes, clarity is nice, but if you knew what your every move would be your life would be stifled. I have wasted so much time, energy, and tears trying to meticulously plan out my life in order to convince myself that I would make enough money in my lifetime. Scratch that, I have pushed myself so hard because I have been afraid of being judged. I allowed the idea of not making ridiculous sums of money to cloud my judgement. I realized this the other day when I was pushed to my limit. For the record, I hate accounting, it will be the death of me...it sure has been the death of my self esteem academically this week. I digress, I did terrible on a quiz that I studied my ass off for and it really tore me up. I couldn't even sit in my lecture with my wandering thoughts of failure and disappointment. I could feel my soul ferociously shaking trying to wake me from my nightmare but I had already allowed my personal darkness to consume me. Soon enough the vibrations brought on a tsunami and I couldn't take it. I ran home and cried for an hour. I kept asking myself, "How are you whining this much about a quiz?!"

After I collected myself, I knew I had to reset my flow of energy for the day...naturally, I decided to meditate. During this time of reflection and relaxation I tried to refocus my thoughts and pinpoint my inner desires. I had to force myself to see that I would never beat myself up about a quiz on a regular day, that is just stupid. I was beating myself up because I was afraid of not getting into a major that I knew would open up numerous job opportunities for me. I was afraid of disappointing the imaginary public that we all think is watching us. I was afraid that not getting into the business school would seal a fate of mediocrity. Essentially, I was afraid of ________.

I was afraid of a bunch of bullshit.

No school can decide my fate for me. I decide my fate, I manifest my dreams, I achieve my goals. No school can do those things for me. I had allowed the idea of being in such an amazing major cloud my judgement and my ultimate control over my life. Realizing this as I type this post has allowed me to have an epiphany: I am okay. Getting rejected from a major that I worked my ass off for sucks, but listen, life goes on. There is no time to waste crying about it! My dreams are waiting!

It is time for me to chase my dreams and push all of the bullshit out of the way.

What do I know for sure?

• I am majoring in Psychology (thank God I had two schools in mind)
• I want to touch people's lives
• I have a voice of inspiration
• I have a divine right to protect my dreams and future
• I have never been more motivated to achieve my goals in my entire life

With that, I leave you all with this: When adversity causes you to stumble and fall, don't think about the scar, you will heal. Get back up and keep running for your dreams.